Don’t believe it for a second!
It’s so simple and seems so obvious but really believing it and working toward fixing it, can be tricky! It’s doable, I promise…keep reading!
The #1 reason relationships fail, (in my humble opinion) is…
We believe that our partner is going to make us happy, complete us, make us whole and we end up resenting them if and when they don’t.
What a huge mistake in thinking! Whether you’re single or in a relationship, it’s self destructive. Most of us treat love as if it is something outside of us that we have no control over. It’s something that happens to us. There is a problem with thinking of love this way, and that is that it makes us believe that we have to look outward for our happiness. It overlooks our own sense of power and leaves us to believe that we are victims of our romantic fate.
Perhaps you already believe this in theory but being truly happy and fulfilled in a relationship means you have to get to a place where you genuinely believe that no one can complete you. When you do believe that you need someone outside of yourself to complete you, you think/say things like:
“My partner just doesn’t do enough for me.”
“My partner should be trying harder.”
“I do way more for him then, he does for me.”
“My partner should know what I want without asking.”
“I deserve more!”
“My partner doesn’t fulfill me.”
Admit, it, you’ve said out loud or to yourself – and even sometimes to your partner – at least one of these things at some point in your relationship. We have all thought from time to time, that we should be getting more out of our relationship than we are. It’s human! I said things like this to friends and to myself many times…daily! It made me miserable and caused all sorts of fights and misunderstandings in my relationship. I totally believed that a romantic relationship was the key to my happiness. I was so wrong. In fact, this mindset was sabotaging my relationship and making us both miserable and unable to communicate in any kind of healthy way.
The good news is that if you can truly see the problem with these statements, it can be as simple as shifting your perception. It takes a lot of awareness and patience, and practice but we are all capable. In fact, I think we were born to give and not expect anything in return and to love ourselves as whole people. Somewhere along he way, humanity forgot that important tenet of what it means to truly love someone.
Here’s some things that I have done in order to make my relationship better and it has worked! Things in my relationship have gotten a lot more peaceful. We are communicating better and I am much healthier and more confident with who I am, which is super attractive to him! And there has been a bonus about the fact that I’m being less needy and feeling better about myself in my relationship; without even knowing it, my boyfriend has begun to give more and be a lot more attentive.
Here are some of my own personal insights on how this can be accomplished:
- I know it’s cliche but the first step is getting over any minor or major beliefs that you are unworthy in any way, shape or form. You are completely worthy. It’s a fact. You just have to believe it. You dishonour yourself and your partner if you have insecurities around deserving to receive love. The truth is that only you can complete you. If you are unhappy, no one else can fulfill the emptiness inside. In fact, it will only make you more unhappy. Just accept and honour yourself for you who are and don’t pretend to be anyone else to make your partner happy. I will post another blog asap on this thought alone.
- Once you accept yourself just the way you are, the next step is to accept your partner. Never ever try to change anything about your partner. Let them be who they are. It is just going to distance your partner from you when you constantly put demands on how they should be. Despite what you may believe, your love is not going to change anyone. Get out early if there are things about a person’s personality that you cannot live with. Don’t be delusional that you can change anyone! It’s disrespectful to them and causes trouble later when they aren’t changing for you! If you cannot love your partner the way are, someone else can.
- Having expectations that your partner knows what you need to be happy will only cause problems and disappointment. No one knows what you truly need. You can communicate it but you have to stop expecting that your partner can read your mind and know what you want. Even when you do communicate it, they should not be expected to complete you. It is unfair to expect this of anyone. I can assure that you will always be let down. Neediness is not a quality that any of us should possess. It feels awful to need someone to fulfill you and it is unattractive to your partner that you are always expecting more than they may be capable of providing you with. That makes them feel bad and you!
- Stop waiting around for your partner to do things to make you happy. Make yourself happy! Find a hobby, hang with friends, or just tell your partner what you want to do. People like when we tell them what we want to do, so there is no guessing and they are more unlikely to let you down. However, it’s just as important is to remember that the more fulfilled you are outside of your relationship, the more fulfilled you’ll be in it.
- Your confidence is contagious! Other people can feel it when you have fears around finding and sustaining love. When you approach a relationship from a place of insecurity and belief that you need a relationship to complete you, your partner or potential partner will sense it. It is an unattractive quality. When you’re confident, the energy you give off will convey that being in a relationship is your choice. You can then relax and be aware enough that you choose a suitable partner.
Seems simple enough?? The good news is that we don’t have to lose weight, get a better job, be funnier, be more affectionate, be better at sex in order to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship. I don’t believe changing who we are makes for a better romantic experience.
The key is to be confident with who you are and let your partner be free to be him or herself. This shift in perception is all it takes.
Jerry McGuire was so wrong! I want to ban that movie. When he said “You complete me.” I threw up a little in my mouth. I hope I’m not the only one who wanted to scream out loud about how wrong this was! I would have run so far from him so fast! Just as much as you can’t expect anyone to complete you don’t take it upon yourself to complete anyone else either. It’s a lot of pressure to have that much responsibility for someone else’s happiness. We are not in charge of each other’s happiness and two halves do not make a whole.
Meet your partner halfway and come together as two whole people. You should never need anyone that badly. Why would you put every hope, dream and expectation into one person or relationships. Nothing lasts. The honeymoon ends, relationships end, things always change. Go with it and accept that the one things that never changes is you. You always have you to complete you and you will never let yourself down! You are and always will be a whole person.
Now “Show the money”, I can get on board with!