…even if he’s completely shut down.
You have most likely at some point in your life, felt the sting of neglect from a partner who seems to be interested in everything else in their life but you. In fact you may be experiencing it right now, or you wouldn’t be reading this, right?
I’m so sorry you’re going through it. It is a horrible feeling. And sometimes if feels like you’re the only one it’s happening to. You’re not, I assure you. We all experience it, we just don’t like to admit it. I know. I’ve been there and I get it. So, let’s not mess around.
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It’s time to get you happy and satisfied in your love life! You deserve your partner’s time and attention and to have the relationship of your dreams. You don’t have to put up with a loveless, unsatisfying relationship, void of passion and connection.
Don’t settle or accept the crumbs. Those days are over. Let’s start at the beginning…
You know the drill…we finally meet a guy who we feel an instant connection with and a strong attraction to…the spark! “Finally”, you think “He’s the one!” You tell all your friends how perfect he is; how you can’t believe you finally found a guy that can make you truly happy.
He showers you with complements, gifts, calls, texts. He plans dates. He wants to see you all the time. You breathe a sigh of relief. He’s finally here…the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life; the one that will make all your dreams come true; the one that will finally make you feel complete and loved and taken care of forever. With a spark this hot, how can he ever stop making you feel so adored, so sexy, so perfect?
Everyone told you that relationships take work? Well, lucky you, apparently you found the super special man that doesn’t need any effort or work. This one is different, somehow. This man is your soulmate. It will be natural and always feel this good because it’s meant to be. You truly believe that this relationship will solve all your problems. And you’ll live happily ever after.
Then it happens. Reality kicks in. Your Prince Charming stops bringing you presents, stops setting up special dates, stops calling and texting as much. And if you’re living together for awhile, he’d rather watch tv, then flirt with you while you clean up the dishes together after dinner! What happened?
You become more and more disillusioned. What happened to the perfect man who made you feel like a Princess every single minute? Now, here you are a year in and…he’s lazing around on the couch, burping, farting and scratching himself?
You become frustrated and angry and think, “What have I done??”. Am I with the wrong man? If it gets bad enough, you start to wonder if you should leave. Surely you’ll find someone who treats you how you want to be treated forever!
Your Super Powers
This is where you have to stop and get really honest with yourself. You have these really awesome powers within you that will stop the pain and confusion completely. It’s true. I found my power and it changed my life completely. I’ve helped so many find theirs, and it’s pure magic. It will completely turn around even the most hopeless situations.
The most important thing to start realizing at this point is that neither of you are doing anything wrong and there is no one to blame. Write that down somewhere and never forget it. You can’t move forward until this is a strong belief system.
To do this, just look inside for your powers of forgiveness and awareness. It’s who you are naturally. Stop listening to your inner critic who loves to judge, blame and criticize you and everyone around you. That voice is not who you are. It doesn’t define you. That an influence or a wound from your past coming back to haunt you. Your ability to access your inner powers beats your inner critic every time.
The problem is that we believe our inner critic but it’s lying to you. It is your childhood influences and your past relationships that caused you pain. It’s just trying to protect you but it’s still lying. Your powers of awareness about this and forgiveness for this allows you to leave your wounds in the past where they belong. You’re projecting these wounds on the current situation. They have nothing to do with your life now. Perhaps they served you in the past but they have no place in the present.
Just know and believe this: You are not the only one that has felt the loneliness and sadness of being in a loveless relationship. It’s completely normal. Don’t feel bad about how you’re feeling. None of this is your fault or his!
While you’re working on forgiveness and awareness, let’s get real…I’m guessing, you’re pretty pissed at him, right? You are probably asking yourself, why did he change? You may even feel like you’re going crazy. You become completely obsessed with getting him to pay attention to you. You get needy and demand to know what happened.
What does he do? If he’s like most men, he defends, he attacks back. He feels like you’ve become a nag and that no matter what he does, he can’t make you happy. He stops doing anything. He shuts down. The more you want to talk about it and fix, it the further away you push him. It’s a horrible feeling that leaves you at a complete loss as to how to fix it. You start to feel badly about yourself. Your self esteem is at an all time low. It feels hopeless.
You crave the days when he made you feel like the most special woman in the world; when you were the center of his universe.
And if you feel like you’ve tried everything and it’s bad enough, you’ve thought about leaving. Sometimes, doesn’t feel like you only have two options?:
a) Stay and suck it up…this is just how relationships go.
b) Leave in hopes of finding happiness in a new relationship.
Tough reality check, right? But it’s so important to get in touch with how you really feel. Remember your super power of awareness. This is where that comes in really handy. Suppressing how you feel will just make you angrier.
Another Option…The Only Option.
There is a third option. There has to be. The two other options won’t solve anything.
(**SIDE NOTE: Unless you’re in a toxic relationship, that’s a whole other story and I am working on a blog post about that. It’s a whole different situation. If you’re in a toxic relationship, Subscribe to my list, and I’ll send you info on that. I have a lot to say on that subject. Or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org)
So, you’re in a relationship rut. He is completely shut down. You aren’t communicating. Counselling isn’t an option or didn’t work. What now? Do you give up? I say, no. There is a lot you can do to turn your relationship around.
My own experience, years of research and my coaching practice has allowed me to develop insights that go beyond what we’ve been taught in the past. I have seen some amazing results based on my findings.
One client was on the verge of separation. The whole family was stressed out. Her husband was threatening to go live in a hotel. There was no communication. The kids were starting to suffer in school and in their social lives. There was a dark cloud hanging over the household. Her and her husband barely spoke. There was so much anger and resentment. She could barely get herself to work, and kids to school, never mind work on her relationship. She was full of shame, disappointment and guilt.
Before this point, she had tried everything. She planned date nights. She tried to communicate her feelings to him. She begged him to talk to her about what was wrong and why he changed? She tried to rally in front of the kids and give in for the sake of peace. She was strong and did everything she could to keep everyone happy. She made her husband feel loved and wanted, made his favourite meals, organized poker nights with his buddies, she even went to counselling to see how she could be a better spouse and mother. Nothing was working. She became very depressed. She became a nag and needy. She demanded to know why he treated her so poorly after everything she did for him and the family.
She finally hit rock bottom in the shower one morning and melted down. She was at a loss. She is beautiful, athletic, smart and had a successful career. She didn’t understand how they got here. They were that amazing couple everyone was jealous of in the beginning. They were hot, successful, crazy about each other, had to much in common, their kids are gorgeous and athlete like their parents. They had money and it seemed like from the outside looking in, they had the perfect life. When she came to me, she couldn’t believe this was her life. Everything had always come so easily to her. She was at a complete loss. She loved her husband and didn’t want to lose him.
The Simple Mistake We All Make
The problem was simple. She was trying too hard. She had forgotten to take care of herself. She was so worried about everyone else and ensuring that they were happy, she forgot that she deserved to be happy too. Isn’t that typical of us, women? We assume if everyone else is happy, we will be too. It doesn’t work like that.
It’s the complete opposite. If we’re happy, everyone around us will be. Once my client realized this, everything changed. She started to forgive herself and her husband. She stopped demanding that he talk to her and share his feelings. She joined a yoga class, joined a sports team that energized her and stopped worrying about forcing her husband to ‘see’ her again.
He came around like she had never seen. Not only was the spark reignited but their love became deeper and stronger than it had ever been. She discovered how to love herself and about what was going through his head that was the opposite of what she believed. It allowed her to refocus her energy which had a huge effect on him. He didn’t know what hit him.
The Secret About Men That Changes Everything
There is a secret about men that we don’t realize. And every time a client hears this, everything changes. Their whole energy shifts!
Men want to make us happy. The minute it feels like we’re not happy, they shut down. They think we blame them. They think they’re doing something wrong and they don’t know how to fix it. It’s so simple. It’s almost too simple. However, it’s the key!
This secret deserves its own post..perhaps a book, so more on this later!
Now, It’s Time Learn How To Take Care of Yourself First!
Be selfish! I’m guessing you’re not the selfish type. You believe that if everyone else is happy, all will be good in your world. This is the biggest mistake, I believe, that we make in our lives. It’s not true. Somewhere in our past, in society, our religion our parents taught us that this was the way to live; the key to happiness. It’s a lie.
Here is the absolute truth: You’re not good to anyone if you’re doing everything for everyone else. I know it seems backwards. But think about it. How is it working out for you? Are you happy, inspired, fulfilled in your relationship?
Of course kids, work, family commitments, friends, etc are important and need your time and attention. However, you need to take care of YOU first.
Why do you think the flight attendants tell you to put your oxygen masks on first? Because in order to be any help or any good to anyone else, you have to look after yourself first.
This is particularly true in your romantic relationship. We tend to get to the dreaded point in our relationship when the passion slowly diminishes and the excitement and thrill of being in a new relationship is gone.
What we tend to do as women, is to try harder. We miss so desperately how it used to be and we’ll do everything to get it back. We are desperate enough that we sacrifice everything else in our lives; including our own feelings. We get needier and needier and do everything we can to get him to treat us like he did in the old days.
It’s important at this point to access your super power of awareness and believe it’s okay. You’re human. You’re completely normal.
Then access your super power of forgiveness and then…STOP doing! What I mean by that is stop taking care of everyone else. Stop obsessing over him and what you can do to get him to appreciate, adore and want you like he did in the beginning. This is exactly what is pushing him away and why he has shut down.
Why Being Selfish is Really Being Unselfish
It is very likely that over the course of your relationship, you have forgotten who you really are and what you really want and need in life and most importantly what makes you truly happy on the inside. Your partner loved you for you when he met you. He loved your quirks and all!
Start to focus on things that make you happy outside of your relationship. You will start to feel better about yourself. This will be the start of your journey to authentic self love, not just the surface ‘positive thinking’ crap. The great thing about loving yourself that we don’t hear about as much, is that men are incredibly attracted to women who take care of themselves. They love it when you are confident in who you are and what you want. They love when you do things to make yourself happy.
And to remind you of the secret key to keeping a man’s attention is that he wants you to be happy! He will not feel good about himself if you’re not. Men tend to think they’re the key to your happiness.
There is something about the vibe of a woman taking care of herself and her own needs first that make men run after them. They can’t even explain it themselves. They find it irresistible!
Taking care of yourself means finding time to do things that make you feel good. It will feel selfish and over indulgent at first but you’ll get used to it! And you’ll see a shift in the energy between you and your partner.
So, as you can see, the mistake is human and easy to fix. Stop doing everything for him. Lean back. Let him take care of you. Appreciate him. See if you can stop blaming, criticizing and nagging him for one week will do. Just let things go. Make him aware that he makes you happy and you appreciate everything is does for you and why. He wants to feel like your hero. Accept that fact and let him!
And take care of yourself first…with no guilt. Have a spa day…or weekend, go shopping, have dinner with a friend, take a dance class, cooking class or art class. Do something that gives you joy and makes your heart sing. You deserve it. And you’ll see in no time how much attention you get from him. You’ll be irresistible to him again!
Sooooooo, I have received such amazing and positive feedback from this post and so many requests for more of my insight on this topic.
I got to work right away and created a FREE GUIDE with four more steps. If you liked this blog post and want more advice on getting his attention back, fill in your name and email below and I’ll send you a copy right away.
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You’ll leave the session feeling re-energized, renewed and inspired to breathe new life back into your relationship so you can feel reconnected, fulfilled, supported and adored like you did in the beginning..even if he’s shut down completely.