May 12, 2018 heartstringstory_qfssrx

Understanding Men – Why They Pull Away

There is a secret that somehow got missed as we journeyed toward understanding the all mysterious man! Well, the day has come to finally discover the truth about men and is really going on inside their heads. It’s simple if you can wrap your head around it and accept it as the truth…

Your man wants to be your hero!

You have the power to inspire your partner to be your hero. It’s not as hard as you think because it’s who he really wants to be. Believe this fact and you’re half way there!

The hero complex men have is a universal truth. It’s who men are at their core. As women, we need to understand this. There is nothing we need to do, really. Instead it’s more of a mindset shift and involves making some small tweaks in the way you communicate with your man.

Most of us have a hard time believing this truth. However, once I can get my clients to understand and embrace it, I’ve seen everything in their relationships change. When your mindset changes, your energy changes and your man will feel it. It will inspire him to change his energy toward you. He won’t even realize when and why the shift happens. It just does and boy, do we feel it! And it feels great! He, however, has no idea. He might feel better inside but he isn’t totally aware why.

Men are very simple creatures. I mean no disrespect. In fact, I’m sure most of them would agree with me if I said this to them face to face. Women are wired completely differently. So, that makes it difficult for us to understand.

Stick with me here, and try some of the ideas I’m about to tell you about and see how he responds. If he’s completely shutdown and doesn’t seem interested in doing the things he used to do for you in the beginning, how can it hurt? It can’t get much worse, right?

Don’t you long for the days when he used to plan special dates for you? I bet he thought of buying you little gifts he knew you would like or sent flowers just because he loved you and wanted you to know. Most of my clients tell me that in the old days, their man always wanted to help out around the house, fix stuff, help with chores, take the garbage out without asking, cleaned up after himself etc etc. Then it happens all of a sudden: he seems uninterested in helping you with anything and makes you feel like you’re such a nag for reminding him to do the things he used to be so happy to do for you.

It’s super annoying and really not fair. But there is something that happens as a relationships matures and you both had a part to play in how you got here.

Here is the mindset change I would love you to embrace:

Your man loves making you happy!

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s true. I’m not making this up. It is based on research from PHDs, researchers, best selling authors, relationship coaches etc. It’s a common theme when it comes to uncovering and understanding how men operate in relationships.

So, in the beginning, it’s easy. He did so much for you, right? You were so happy and grateful and were probably having a lot of sex so all was good!

Then, like in every relationship, as we all know too well, the inevitable happens; you get more comfortable with each other and the euphoria of a new and exciting lover slowly wears off. You start to get irritated about everything he does. We all do it. You fall into bad habits of nagging and not being grateful because you are so focused on what he’s NOT doing and what he SHOULD be doing. Again, it’s normal, but you stop seeing and appreciating what he IS doing.

Here is another truth about men that most of us women have no idea about:

Men are super sensitive to whether or not he is fulfilling his partner’s needs.

Again, I know, it doesn’t seem so. But he will be super happy and excited to do anything for you based on these two things you can do to inspire him:

1) how clear you communicate what you need and 2) why you need it and how it would make you feel.

I fell down on both of these things. My first mistake was that I assumed that he should just know what I needed without asking. I thought he should be able to read my mind…wasn’t it obvious what should be done?? And my second mistake was that I would ask without telling him why it would mean so much and what the benefit would be to me. This is crucial info for our men to know. Without it, we are just considered to be nags!

Your man’s brain does not interpret you asking them to do things for you like it’s something you really want and need him to do. You need to spell it out for him and what it means to you and more importantly, WHY you need it.

And on top of that, women are doing so much for themselves these days, that men feel emasculated. And this is why they shutdown. They believe we don’t need them and that is the worst thing in the world to them. This is a super important thing for us to understand:

Men need to feel needed.

They need to know WHY we need them. That is what inspires them to be our hero!

Here’s how it usually goes: You ask your man to do something and he puts it off because he doesn’t know how much it would mean to you if he did what you asked. This is because you haven’t told him how it would benefit you and how much it would mean to you. So you end up doing it yourself. Unfortunately this sends a horrible message to your man. It makes him think you don’t need him so why should he do anything??? It’s not laziness. It’s not resentment. He’s not punishing you. It’s in his DNA. We have to understand this important fact:

If he doesn’t feel like you need him, he shuts down!

Just knowing this helps us make the mindset shift, doesn’t it? It takes the resentment away that he is purposely being unhelpful and lazy. It takes the whole idea that ‘he must not love us enough’ out of our female brains!

The most common example I hear from clients is the dreaded toilet seat. One client was so hurt, disappointed and furious that her husband wouldn’t put the seat down for her. She would think how horrible and selfish it was of him. Doesn’t he know how gross it is that she has to touch the seat to put it down and that if it’s dark she might fall in and feel the cold toilet water on her butt??? She believed that if he really loved her, he would do that for her without her having to ask; that he should just know!

Here are the three problems with this old mindset:

1) She never asked him specifically to put the seat down so he wouldn’t think to do it. It’s efficient for him to have it up is how his brains works. So, the first step was to get over the assumption that he was being selfish and unthoughtful. Even if she made a dig or a subtle hint, he doesn’t hear it. It’s not that he’s ignoring us or doesn’t care, it’s just not how his brain works.

2) Not only did she have to tell him clearly that she wanted him to put the seat down but also WHY it would be great if he did. So, even being clear that he should put the seat down would not be enough incentive. She needed to tell him the reasons why. It’s gross and she falls in at night.

3) If he ever did do it, she never told him how much she appreciated it.

Once she communicated the ‘what she needed and why’ clearly to her husband without blame or criticism, he understood her frustration and started putting the toilet seat down immediately. The new incentive for him was that he would be saving her from all the ickiness that goes along with the toilet seat being left up. And she thanked him every time he did it making him feel like a true hero.

You can see how important this mindset change is to both of you. If you don’t communicate properly to your man about what you need, he won’t do what you need and even if he tries, he usually gets it wrong. What ends up happening is that you misinterpret his lack of initiative to mean that he must not love you enough.

And this is when the resentment starts on yours and his part, right? If you don’t tell him what makes you happy, he won’t know! I know you’ve heard this at least once in your lifetime from your man “Nothing I do ever makes you happy” He starts to really believe that he will never be able to make you happy; that you’re never satisfied. He doesn’t know what to do now. All he can do is back off from doing anything. His manhood is in question and he starts shutting down because he feels useless.

It’s in his DNA to want you to be happy and he wants to be the one that is responsible for your happiness. Let him make you happy! Tell him what you need and why. There is nothing romantic about letting him guess. He probably won’t get it right and you’ll be disappointed. He would love nothing more than an instruction manual. And since that doesn’t exist, tell him! You will see the shift in his energy. He will be more romantic, helpful and heroic!

You’ll see.

So, now that you understand why you need to let your man be your hero, I invite you to download my Free Guide: 5 Steps To Getting His Attention back for more insights!
The 5 steps are already pretty simple but along with your added knowledge about how men think, you’ll have the relationship of your dreams in no time!
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